She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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