hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
