He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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