fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
