My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
