so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
