I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
