Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
