my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
