I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
