i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
