you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
