Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
