shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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