i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
