He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
