i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
