I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
