did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
