you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just want to make out with him forever
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
