my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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