I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
