I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
