I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
