I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
