The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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