Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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