Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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