There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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