There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
