Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
