So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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