I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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