I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
