The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the condom got lost in my hair
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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