You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
