I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Randomize
