Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
