I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
false alarm. still invincible.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
