Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
