I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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