As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
