Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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