Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
