You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
do nipples grow back?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
