You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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