I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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