i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
