the condom got lost in my hair
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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