24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The ass gains better be worth it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
