i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
