I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
