I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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